WHY MANAGERS ACT AS PARENTS

CEO:  "...how can we get Son to have a more organized desk...have a more professional looking haircut...not procrastinating to the last minute with his projects...get his new printer up and running?"

Son responds, "I don't really have a father.  With him everything is business...even at dinner."

I show father research that shows 90% of sons working for dad do not feel validated.  No respect for a son's talents and the biggest barrier is the attitude that "I know best..."

Finally, Father has an Ah! Ha! "I think the problem is that I am still parenting my son, not being the business mentor or manager he needs".

Why are some leaders acting as parents?  It is a familiar model of leadership we learn from our parents.

Ask: what is it like working for me?

HOW TO GET HONEST FEEDBACK

So here I am interviewing a manager for my next book around why he thinks he is successful and what he aspires to in the future. He wants to succeed his boss who will be shortly promoted.

"Have you asked you boss for advice?"

How else can we get feedback?

Surveys may help.  But more accurate is looking peers in the eyes and ask them their perception of you.  "Do I come across as a future leader? What would you suggest?

THE NEED TO BE RIGHT

The NEED TO BE RIGHT is not about being correct.  It is about the interaction that causes others to with hold back from talking about or ideas to solve.

My father. "The reason you have to do XXX is because I said so."

Working for such a person causes one to feel marginalized, not having a voice - to be disregarded for thoughtful discussion of ideas.

Why does this happen? I asked my clients:

• Not having confidence in others ability
• I need to be in control
• Not risking looking like I don't have the answers
• It is my job to make the big decisions
• I am better qualified than my sta

If you work for a NEED TO BE RIGHT person, don't give up.  Show respect for that person for their ideas and avoid causing their defensiveness. At the same time, make the case why your idea or approach might be better for all concerned.  Promote "compromise" so both of you feel the "win".

PLAYING NICE IN THE SANDBOX

You may know Dave--he is challenged by one of his staff, Annie, who in meetings communicates an attitude of "I know better than [you, them, and others]".

Both are clients who over many months have not resolved this barrier to playing nice in the sand box.  And Dave's team is expecting him to step up to resolve.

Three steps that helped:

1. Dave learned to confront Annie (in private) immediately after this attitude was observed
2. He was direct; "I need you to stop taking strong positions on issues at the expense of other's views and opinions. Learn how to engage them and listen."
3. He asked for commitment: "Can you do this?  What should I do if it keeps happening?"

So why does avoidance of giving constructive feedback occur?  My clients tell me:

• Concern about escalation
• Not sure how to approach
• Giving up power
• Being vulnerable

Most important: get to know your staff better so to understand why they act as they do